Communication is a large part of my job and helping other communicate better is one of my goals. I am sure you have heard of the phrase passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive language; but what about assertive? Maybe it brings to mind someone in particular who you feel is confident and at ease with talking to others. You can be assertive too! I truly believe it can make a big difference in your life and strive to use it in mine as well.
So what does being assertive look like? There are some main traits to look for.
Eye contact.
Appropriate volume
Even tone when speaking
Confident in voicing what you need or want (not many umms or pauses)
Open body language
I like to introduce this with a simple formula using “I” statements. “I feel/think _________because ________”
This is probably much different than you are used to communicating. Many people say things like “You make me so mad” and “Stop leaving your shoes on the stairs!”. When you add you a lot when speaking people tend to get automatically defensive. It feels like an attack and they are going to react which means you aren’t going to get very fair in this conversation.
Here are some examples of using “I” statements”:
I feel frustrated when I am telling you about my day and it feels like you aren’t listening. If you could put down your phone next time we talk, I would feel like I was being heard.
I was angry when I tried to help but it felt like it was unwanted. Next time, if you could acknowledge my hard work, I think I would feel better.
I was hurt and sad because I made your favorite dinner and you ended up coming home late. In the future if you could let me know you are going to be late, I will not feel so upset when things don’t go as planned.
I am having a hard time sleeping because your music is loud. I would appreciate if you would try wearing your headphones after 9pm.
