Relationships are hard. It takes a lot of time and energy to have a healthy, deep connection with another person. There can also be a lot of obstacles in your way that make the task feel Herculean in size and difficulty. Knowing how to make connections with others and building a deep relationship is a common problem people come to me in hopes of changing. Where do I begin? Where should we start? Usually it is helpful to start with relationship you already have but would like to be closer/deeper with that person. If you are starting from the beginning, it will be helpful to find people will some similarities to build a relationship with (think hobbies, activities, work, school, other groups).
Building intimacy can be time consuming and difficult but it will help boost your feelings of connections with others and the world. Not every relationship will be the same level of depth and connection. You are not necessarily going to go 1-7 in order. Do not try to rush intimacy but let it grow with time, energy, and attention.
Seven is a magic number in literature and in relationships. Matthew Kelly came up with the 7 levels of intimacy and you can read more in his book. There are seven levels of intimacy listed below:
The first level of intimacy is impersonal— filled with small talk and useful for limited interactions. Saying hi to someone in the hallway, making a conversation in line at the store, etc.
Next you build on that by sharing information about yourself. Facts— it can be small things until you feel more confident with talking to this person. Maybe it’s your name, the weather, sports, current events but will eventually build up to personal facts about you.
From facts we move to opinions. This can be scary because we don’t know what others will think and could be taken differently depending on the person. Look for common ground and have that as a foundation to grow from.
Then we start to get deeper with hopes and dreams. Perhaps you have a shared goal or passion. Maybe a shared dream or wish (wouldn’t it be cool if we were superheroes, what would your power be?)
Even deeper still, is your feelings. How do you feel about things (really and truly). Expressing the good and the bad ones with this person shows you trust them and are close. Being heard by someone else, being accepted, and allowing them to do the same will help you feel connected.
Now we get to some scary stuff… Sharing your faults, fears and failures. Healing your wounds and sharing your story. Being forgiven and accepted.
Last is collaboration— to know and be known— to see, feel, think and experience from the other’s perspective.
