We all have that family member who is difficult to be around. They know exactly what to say to get under your skin, how to push your buttons, how to make you cry, and this is the time of year when we are forced to see them for the holidays. Boundaries can help make it a little easier to be around people who upset you and keep you safe from their toxic behavior.
Boundaries are ‘rules’ you give yourself for how you interact with them. We can’t make them change but you can change how you interact with them (and hopefully things turn out differently because of them). Below are some difficult situations where you might create a boundary.
My brother is disrespectful to me and my family. This year I have decided not to spend time with him. I told him I already have other plans and said “no” firmly to his invitation of a get-together. I feel better already knowing I won’t have to be around him.
My mom knows exactly how to upset me and will make snide remarks about my appearance, weight, and life choices whenever I see her. This year, I talked to my S.O and they are going to help buffer my mom. We decided on a code word for when I am feeling too overwhelmed and will go outside to ‘get some air’ when I need a break from her.
My in laws are so demanding this time of year and want us to go to every family event. But this year, I have decided I will only go to one and have set a limit of 2 hours there before leaving. I told them ahead of time I have to leave by this time and when it is time to go, I stick to my boundary and leave even when they complain.
My relatives always ask me when we are having kids, even though we have decided not to and it makes me uncomfortable trying to explain my choice. This year I have decided when they ask the question, I am going to try redirecting with questions I have prepared with my S.O. If that doesn’t work, I will tell them as much as I am comfortable with and no more than that! I am not going to let their questions bother me or make me doubt my choice. It’s MY choice after all.
The key things to remember when creating boundaries are: they reflect your values, know your limits, have self respect and respect for others, be assertive and consider the long term consequences.
